Codependence also indicates the way events from childhood unconsciously produces attitudes and behaviors which propel people to destructive relationships in the present. The self-worth of the codependent comes from outside sources. They want other people to provide them feelings of self-worth. Codependence is a particular connection with one's self where the individual doesn't trust his or her own experiences. Lacking the inner boundaries necessary to know about and express their true needs, feelings, goals, and opinions, they're "other-validating". Having only a reflected feeling of self, they always find validation and confirmation from other people since they're not able to endorse and validate from within. "Self-validating" people have the ability to do this. Co-dependents often concentrate on an addict's sobriety as a means to achieve a precarious sense of self- elimination. Sadly, their behavior often perpetuates the loved one's addiction.
Codependent folks think they can not survive without their spouses and will do anything they can do to remain in the connection, however painful. The fear of losing their partners and being left handed (once more) overpowers her capacity to make decisions in her own best interests. The notion of addressing the spouse's addiction can be frightening: they may be fearful of igniting the partner's anger that could lead to feeling emotionally bombarded by (childhood) fears of reduction.
The sexual co-dependent suffers from other symptoms: driven by the potential loss of the connection, which she sees as identical with her own individuality, some women engage in sexual addiction counseling activities with their partners they find distasteful or even morally repugnant - all in a bid to keep him happy and home. However, this type of fantasy-based acting out might not be predicated on her actual pornography addiction help wants and desires and opens the way to turning his spouse into still another object. Certain sorts of sex addiction counselors acting out can turn sex addiction counselors into another fix for him. The partner senses this, making her feeling of sexual betrayal even more poignant.
In couples where one spouse is ciphering off his erotic energies from the primary connection, there are invariably problems using the couple's own sex addiction counselors. He becomes sexually demanding. She expresses her resentment about it by not being sexually responsive. He may lose erotic curiosity about her, as she lives up to the thrill of fantasy-based sexual enactments. The feeling of having a person-related, intimate sex addiction treatment experience may diminish. The erotic expression between the couple can quickly dry up, leaving the sex addiction therapist feeling even more diminished as a female and as someone.
Sexual co-dependents have an inordinate need to get the information straight. "Detective" is a common activity: assessing his computer, looking up numbers and names, or desperately looking for scraps of paper with numbers written on these. 1 client even encouraged a prostitute her partner had frequented to her house because she wished to know the particulars. The need-to-know provides the spouse with a means to check up on her face ("Am I crazy or is this really happening?") And supplies her with an awareness of much-needed (though illusory) sense of command over an out-of-control situation. Especially in light of the addict's continual denial, the co-addict has a need to provide "proof" to make sure her soundness of mind -- a ploy that seldom works and is extremely exhausting.
The last distinction between sex addiction counselors and other co-dependents is that the shame associated with this "key". Gender as an addiction is rarely discussed in "polite society" and there is a very big social stamina associated with that. Sexually addicted customers often tell me that they'd rather be alcoholics or drug addicts. The stigmatization of the compulsion almost makes sure that the sexual co-dependent will wish to hide or to provide a good "front" to deal with feelings of pity and despair. She may become socially isolated because she can not discuss the situation with friends. Depression easily enters into an emotional environment of isolation and shame. Keeping secrets about important dimensions of life be certain that the issues underlying them are not treated.
